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[Nov. 30th, 2006|02:09 pm] |
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I'm not saying that I have psychological issues, but I did apply to change my name to "its axis" so I could say that the world really does revolve around me. |
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| Rocky dubbing |
[Sep. 21st, 2006|08:44 am] |
I wonder if the new Rocky movie coming out soon goes by the old formula of having Rocky fight one of America's enemies. If so, they could have started filming it during the Iraq war, and then later dub in "Iran" for "Iraq" in time for the next war.
"I will beat Rocky for the glory of IraNNNNNNNNN"
"Rocky, you can't lose to this chump from IraNNNNNNN"
That's convenient, isn't it? In fact, I think that's why we're going to Iran next. If we were to start fighting Saudi Arabia, they would have had to reshoot the whole movie. We have to keep our propoganda films ON SCHEDULE, dammit.
***
It seems there's a new book coming out on Presidential doodling - what they drew on their notepads during meetings and stuff like that. I don't care what they doodled while they were President. My theory on presidential doodling is that George W. Bush was the guy who drew all the big dicks in my eighth grade history textbook. I don't think he would do that now, but if one of his current doodles contains the words "turn to Page 74" you can bet he was having a drug-induced flashback. |
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| presently imperfect |
[Sep. 5th, 2006|04:40 pm] |
[Becky said this one was a little too silly and Seinfeldian to perform, but nothing's too dumb to post here!]
How come people with less than perfect pitch never talk about their pitch? Is it because pitch is a pass fail thing, where you either have perfect pitch or you're a loser? Or is there a grading system that we don't know about?
"My teacher told me that I've improved from Good Pitch to PRETTY DAMN GOOD PITCH. If two notes are REASONABLY close together, I CAN HEAR THE DIFFERENCE. If I keep working hard, I'm three months away from HOLY SHIT THAT'S GOOD PITCH.
Don't talk to that guy. He only has Adequate Pitch. He should be playing a Magical Musical Thing." |
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| unhappy meal |
[Aug. 26th, 2006|11:57 pm] |
Everyone likes to make fun of the people who work at McDonalds. "They're so stupid, they can't speak English, they screwed up my order."
Oh yeah, you're so smart, why are you eating at McDonalds? Let's look at the big picture here - lady behind the counter, no skills at all, eight kids, trying to earn a few bucks so maybe a couple of them could lead a good life. You, asshole in a business suit, taking the only body you'll ever have and shoveling into it the most foul crap humanity has come up with to date.
You walk out of there all pissy because you had to repeat yourself to get the right burger, and back at the counter they're thinking, "we just sold this guy 2500 calories for lunch! Hope the defibulator at your office has been tested, Mr. Big Businessman." |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 26th, 2006|11:36 pm] |
Things you never read:
Dear Barely Legal,
I just turned 18 last week. I didn't have sex with my step brother or anything, but I did vote, and that felt good enough for me. You see, there's something else we're good for besides fucking, you fascist pervs. Don't give me this barely shit, you're all sitting around staring lustfully at 17 year-olds until you can put them in your stupid fucking magazine. I hope someone gouges out your eyes with a grapefruit spoon and pours the juice in your eye sockets, you baby fuckers.
Sincerely yours,
Debra from Oklahoma
p.s. I am not sending a pic, so stop beating off to this letter. |
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| Self Hating ITalian |
[Aug. 26th, 2006|07:17 pm] |
(continued from the Bensonhurst - racism bit)
I was lucky enough to grow up with good kids, but even with the good Italians there's some ignorance flying around. Ask an Italian about the Sopranos, and he'll probably tell you,
"I'm against the Sopranos, the Godfather. They make people think that every Italian is in the mafia. Not every Italian is mafia."
"So you don't watch it."
"Of COURSE I watch it."
"Why?"
"Because, they're just like my father, my uncle, my brother, my sister, my grandmother..."
Apparently making Italians look like they're in the mafia is bad. But making us look like loudmouth buffoons...that's spot on.
My opinion? I fucking love the Sopranos, and the stupider they make us look, the more I love it. I want to call up David Chase and say, "Hey it's great, but can you make us look dumber? You're not quite there yet.
Some of you may be upset, but there's nothing I can do. I'm a self hating Italian. Sure you can abbreviate that to say SHIT, but that's something I'll leave for you to ponder.
All I know is, I was so happy to leave Brooklyn when I went to college. Those forms came in the mail, I didn't look it up in US News and World Report, I just said "Is it in Brooklyn? No? Sign me up, that's first choice. This one, exactly half way around the world from Brooklyn? No running water? That's my safe school."
To me, the most depressing television show was Welcome Back, Kotter. That sounded horrible. "We tease him a lot / 'cause he fucked up his life / welcome baaaaack." Nope, I was never going to back to Brooklyn, ever.
So now I'm living in Brooklyn... |
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| working on a one liner |
[Aug. 24th, 2006|07:58 am] |
(A) somewhere, a proctologist and a gynecologist are playing poolgolf together.
(B) somewhere, a proctologist and a gynecologist are playing 18 holes together. (better!)
telegraph the 18 holes a bit more? put it at the end?
(C) somewhere in north carolina, a proctologist and a gynecologist are getting together for 18 holes. (too many words) (north carolina has some of the world's most renowned golf courses, but does anyone know this? maybe a good throw-in for a CEO convention or something)
directly transition from job to golf?
(D) doctors are the most dedicated people. even after a long week's work, the proctolgoist and the gynecologist still manage to get in 18 holes on Saturday. (much, much better!) |
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| step up |
[Aug. 23rd, 2006|10:05 pm] |
I have an invisible microphone. Its name is skippy. [tap, tap] "Is this thing on?" It hates when I do that. I have an invisible microphone for the same reason I have imaginary friends. I can go right up to it, yell as loudly as I want, and it doesn't give me any feedback. Some call me a sociopath, I don't know why. |
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| a killing joke |
[Aug. 23rd, 2006|09:51 pm] |
Serial killers spend a lot of time selecting their victims.
"I want to kill a lot of people, but only if they are blond females, between the ages of 18 and 24, slightly overweight, with obvious self-esteem issues."
These aren't mad geniuses, they're failed marketing people! If instead of killing their victims, they wanted to sell them useless skin cream, they could have an office job for life!
And some of these killers just get silly. "After I kill someone, I won't select my next victim until I go two blocks north and one block east, just like the little horsie on a chess board."
Look, if you want to kill a bunch of people, just get a gun and open fire at recess, okay? |
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| terrorists in virginville |
[Aug. 23rd, 2006|07:55 am] |
Terrorist martyrs supposedly get 72 virgins when they blow themselves up and kill people. I assume they mean MALE terrorist martyrs, because I doubt female suicide bombers really want to be stuck in heaven with 72 guys trying to figure out what goes where.
Still, even for male martyrs, I don't think this is a good deal. Sure the virgins might be fun at first, but after the 34th time saying "Of COURSE you're beautiful" and "Let me know if this hurts," I think I would be pining for a grizzled veteran from the trenches.
And what happens when you are tired out? What do the 72 virgins do? Maybe they could play the 76 trombones in the big parade. That would leave 4 extra trombones lying around, but that's okay, because those slides get dented very easily. I'd probably keep around a French horn too, and maybe an oboe, in case someone wants to try something different. And a saxophone for seventies porn night. Tuba is right out, but that goes without saying. |
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